STRANGE SMALL WORLD

I'd like to think that I'm strong; if not, at least able to hold my own.
There are just days however, when I don't feel like putting up a fight, when I text friends

"I would like to have my disc playing-beach going-alcohol drinking-dressed up dancing- life back"

I am in a good place. I shouldn't complain. There are so many people who are worse off, but I cant help thinking about all the things that can go wrong.

I am not afraid of our consultants,
but I am afraid of not being right,
or not knowing enough.
I am afraid I might not be cut out for the path I chose.
I am afraid that I will never have a regular running schedule
ever again
and then sink into a sedentary funk where all my clothes don't fit.
I am afraid of getting married.
I am afraid of not getting married.
I am afraid of not marrying the right one.
I am afraid I won't have kids.
I am afraid, for me and my hypothetical child, of all the things that might go wrong
during the pregnancy or after the birth.
I am afraid I might have kids who will be too much like me.
I am afraid of turning into either of my parents.
I am afraid of forgetting what it was like to be a kid.
I am afraid of not having a secure future.
I am afraid that I will sink into debt,
making it impossible for me to shop like crazy
or go on a trip to wherever the hell I want.
I am afraid, not of growing old,
but of all my senses and organs failing me
that I have to depend on someone else just to fucking breathe.
I am afraid of dying suddenly, violently, painfully
and I won't be able to say what I need to say.
I am sure that tomorrow there will be more things
to add to this list.
I am afraid that I won't stop thinking about these.
Welcome to my everyday fears.