STRANGE SMALL WORLD

Today was a day of beginnings and ends.

Today I went rowing for the first time.  If I'm honest, I probably wouldn't have gone if JV didn't have a car to bring us to Manila. Commuting from QC to Manila at 4am is no joke. Also, Karen and I made a deal that I 'd go rowing with her if she (and some other residents) would go with me to try Ultimate. I usually sleep late so it was a struggle for me to sleep by 9pm just so I could wake up at 4am and feel vaguely human the rest of the day.

Jasper, Karen, JV and I reached Manila Bay by 5am. Jasper showed us a few of the basics before we warmed up. I was hit with a feeling of deja vu while we stretched. It felt like the first few times I joined TODA for training: I didn't know anyone; I only knew a few fundamentals about the game. I gripped the paddle, tried out a few moves, and basically felt like the proverbial fish out of water, graceless and flopping about.

We stepped into the boat. Karen sat on my left side, Jasper and JV a few rows in front. The sun was shining, the sky was clear, the Manila bay stench wasnt as a bad as I feared. Rommel, the (team captain? coach? someone important?), started telling us what we were supposed to do. We paddled until we reached the other side and I thought, "Hey, this isn't so bad."

Thirty minutes later, I was struggling to keep my lifting arm up in the air to stab the paddle into the water. Out of thirty fast strokes, I think I only did twenty with the right form and speed. Rommel said to focus our eyes on the pacers and not on the paddle. I was cheating by alternating gazes between my paddle and the pacer in front. I watched another team rowing in (perfectly paced) unison; a beautiful thing to witness indeed. I, however, was not helping achieve that for the team. Every wrong stroke resulted in my paddle dragging in the water, or a splash to the girl in front, or to the steerer at the back.

Growing pains, I thought. Nothing great is achieved without growing pains. Even in Ultimate, I was useless in the field until I built up my meager skills. The difference between Ultimate and rowing though, is that in Ultimate, you need to establish eye/nonverbal/verbal contact with your teammates to execute different parts of the play; in rowing, you do the same repetetive movements, trusting your teammates will do the same. While not necessarily bad, it was just a very noticeable difference.

By 7am, we were back on land, packing up the paddles and our stuff to hurry back to cars and whatever work is waiting for us. I couldn't help thinking, if this was TODA, there would be talking, and laughter, and hanging out. Maybe I'm biased, wait,  I probably AM biased, when I say these things. I have learned to love Ultimate, its speed and pace, its spirit and general camaraderie.

I am sure I'll give rowing another try sometime in the near future, if only to encourage Karen to get out of her sedentary lifestyle. But right now, while reading of all TODA's plans for leagues, training and trips, just learning another sport makes me miss everything about Ultimate. It feels a little bit like I'm cheating on it, like I am supposed to be in a field and not in a boat.
*****
What can I say about Michael Jackson today that hasn't already been said?

You were an icon of my childhood and of my generation.
No one was expecting you to become weird, but no one also expected you to die.
You made good music in the 70s up to the early 90s.
I sang snippets of your songs all throughout my duty last night.

You and your music will be missed.

I'd like to think that I'm strong; if not, at least able to hold my own.
There are just days however, when I don't feel like putting up a fight, when I text friends

"I would like to have my disc playing-beach going-alcohol drinking-dressed up dancing- life back"

I am in a good place. I shouldn't complain. There are so many people who are worse off, but I cant help thinking about all the things that can go wrong.

I am not afraid of our consultants,
but I am afraid of not being right,
or not knowing enough.
I am afraid I might not be cut out for the path I chose.
I am afraid that I will never have a regular running schedule
ever again
and then sink into a sedentary funk where all my clothes don't fit.
I am afraid of getting married.
I am afraid of not getting married.
I am afraid of not marrying the right one.
I am afraid I won't have kids.
I am afraid, for me and my hypothetical child, of all the things that might go wrong
during the pregnancy or after the birth.
I am afraid I might have kids who will be too much like me.
I am afraid of turning into either of my parents.
I am afraid of forgetting what it was like to be a kid.
I am afraid of not having a secure future.
I am afraid that I will sink into debt,
making it impossible for me to shop like crazy
or go on a trip to wherever the hell I want.
I am afraid, not of growing old,
but of all my senses and organs failing me
that I have to depend on someone else just to fucking breathe.
I am afraid of dying suddenly, violently, painfully
and I won't be able to say what I need to say.
I am sure that tomorrow there will be more things
to add to this list.
I am afraid that I won't stop thinking about these.
Welcome to my everyday fears.

I'm not used to having  a free weekend with nothing to do.

TODA is playing in the Bora tourney.
Mutch is in Sagada, doing relationship-like things.
Parents and bro are off to Mindoro to formally ask for Rose's hand in marriage.
Not talking to my cousin. Or my cousin not talking to me. Whatever.

Left to my devices at lunch, I made a brown rice-dulong in olive oil-cashew bowl and am eating it in my room. It's not as weird as is sounds; it's actually pretty delish.

I'm staring out the window and it's a beautiful sunny day. I wish I didn't have duty tomorrow/spend my travel money on fixing my new place. What I would give to be in Bora :(
*****
Speaking of the new place, I'm almost done sprucing it up. All I need is a new rug to hide the ugly areas on the wooden floor. Or maybe repaint/put a sticker border on the ceiling to cover the paint patches we made with the roller when we were doing the walls. (I am definitely not a painter and should stick to my day job, hehe)  The curtains I bought were too long for the windows, so I decided to cut them in half and hem the edges to make another curtain. The left half of my curtains are now two inches shorter than the right. Should I now abandon the idea of sewing my own clothes?

Technically, I have roommates but the room is more of a halfway house for them than a real place to live. So far I'm ok on my own. I've been slowly bringing my clothes and shoes in. Soon my clutter will be spread over three houses. Hopefully, that's enough to make all my rooms neat :P
*****
Three months into residency and my two other co-first year residents are now officially not talking.
One got tired of being mercilessly teased, and in her words "becoming an emotional punching bag" for the other's "endless" rants and (very) volatile moods. I don't want to assume her shifting moods are because of her depression, but her outbursts come often and are over the most trivial matters. I really hope she's taking her meds.

Should I abandon all hope of all of us getting along? With our diverse personalities, I don't know if we're on the path to being friends...

Today I wrote:
"Melancholy always seems romantic bathed in moonlight"
and couldn't write any further.

Tomorrow,
I will start painting the room I will live in
for the next four years.

Tonight
found out that someone,
somewhere, at sometime,
was putting facets of me
into poetry:

"Silver-Lined Heart"
Taylor Mali

I’m for reckless abandon
and spontaneous celebrations of nothing at all,
like the twin flutes I kept in the trunk of my car
in a box labeled Emergency Champagne Glasses!

Raise an unexpected glass to long, cold winters
and sweet hot summers and the beautiful confusion of the times in between.
To the unexpected drenching rain that leaves you soaking
wet and smiling breathless;
“We danced in the garden in torn sheets in the rain,”
we were christened in the sanctity of the sprinkler,
can’t you hear it singing out its Hallelujah?

Here’s to the soul-expanding power
of the simply beautiful.

See, things you hate, things you despise,
multinational corporations and lies that politicians tell,
injustices that make you mad as hell,
that’s all well and good.
And as far as writing poems goes,
I guess you should.
It just might be a poem that gets Mumia released,
brings an end to terrorism or peace in the middle east.

But as far as what soothes me, what inspires and moves me,
honesty behooves me to tell you your rage doesn’t move me.
See, like the darkest of clouds my heart has a silver lining,
which does not harken to the loudest whining,
but beats and stirs and grows ever more
when I learn of the things you’re actually for.

That’s why I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles,
nothing but the sound of thinking for miles.
For the unconditional love of dogs:
may we learn the lessons of their love by heart.
For therapy when you need it,
and poetry when you need it.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The solution to every problem usually involves some kind of liquid,
even if it’s only Emergency Champagne
or running through the sprinkler.
Can’t you hear it calling you?

I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar,
for the delicate and the resilient and the fragile human heart,
may it always heal stronger than it was before.
For walks in the woods, and for the woods themselves,
by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.
Window seats, and locally brewed beer,
and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:
I’m for all of these.

I’m for evolution more than revolution
unless you’re offering some kind of solution.

I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”
For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining,
and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.

So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses
about what you are against, despise, and abhor.
Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you,
put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!

...is not as great as yesterday, but definitely better than last year.

Two months into residency and I feel I'm doing ok.
Drowning in Patho books, but doing ok.
Feeling like I'm losing quite a bit of myself whenever I put on my scrub suit,
but doing ok.
Wanting to dress to the nines, but unable to do so.
Showing a picture to a co-resident, and her remarking "Pare, ang daring mo!"
when she sees my outfit, and thinking, "You ain't seen nothing yet."
Sometimes I think that I like music that I can rock out to
because I feel that's what my soul sounds like screaming.
But then I remember I'm happy and just take the music for what it is.
There's no point in this disjointed post except to confirm that I am real.
*****
The Things I've Never Seen or Heard


I honestly couldn't care less if you like the same bands or you've read the same books. Tell me one original thing, tell me one true, real thing that brings me to my fucking knees that I've never heard before and I'm yours.

Another year, another duty... well, the first one in the year anyway.
It's all about moving forward now.
Even T.S. Eliot agrees since he said,

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

After all, there are new mistakes to be made.
*****
In celebration of always looking at the bright side, I give you

"Things to Do in the Belly of the Whale"
Dan Albergotti

Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.
Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fires
with the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke signals.
Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.
Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each way
for the dim glow of light. Work on your reports. Review
each of your life's ten million choices. Endure moments
of self-loathing. Find the evidence of those before you.
Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for the sound
of gears and moving water. Listen for the sound of your heart.
Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,
where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of all
the things you did and could have done. Remember
treading water in the center of the still night sea, your toes
pointing again and again down, down into the black depths.

Another year, another recap.

2008 is marked by a considerable lack of overwhelming drama.
Not to say that there wasn't drama, it just didn't consume my time and thoughts, unlike previous years.

I held 3 different jobs this year, each with different job descriptions and expectations.
I finally solidified my future, well at least for the next 4 years, by going into residency.

And most important of all, I am happy. With myself, with my job, with what's been going on generally.

Here's the requisite song to describe my year:
(I tried looking for a full version of this song, but this is the best I can do)
 

( Happiness - The Weepies )

It's been 2 months since I ran and played disc.
Blame it on hormones and my unpredictable hospital schedule.
I was 70 messages into deleting 500++ messages in my inbox while on duty today and I found this:

STOLEN FROM A SINGAPORE ULTIMATE FORUM HEHE:

Manila Spirits, to me, is one of the very best tourneys of the year. Not only for the legendary Philippine spirit and hospitality, but also for the great fields, the stiff competition, fun atmosphere, and breadth of play.

Freakshow registered into the Spirits a bit late, and perhaps given the recent huge jumps in standards of play, its not surprising that we started as #6 seed. that didn't mean anything in a power-pool tourney as it became clear that any of the top 6-7 teams were serious contenders.

Day one for Fs saw a straightforward win vs an experienced Dharma Bums. Game 2 however, was a different story, as the 'show matched against #2 seed Philippines A. Stacked with a huge amount of athleticism and talent, this was one matchup in which Fs were the underdogs. Phillipinas A is made up as an all-star team from their top Ultimate league. (note that Philippines has 3 divisions of Ultimate leagues, each with 22 teams! (66 teams total)).

It didnt help that Fs stalwart, Jason Lopez (who made it to the Mythical 7 MVP) was recruited early to play for his homeland, and that another key Fs defender (harvard) did not make the trip out. Still it was a point-for-point match to the half (7-6 Phillipinas) . Led by the stellar chase (rabbit) of Columbian Oscar Fletcher, our clam-D was very effective at stalling the Phillipine offense. But the Blue team was able to notch up their lead with time ticking away to 9-7, this despite Fs marching to the front of the Philippine end-zone at least twice. With a strict hard cap of 1 hr, it was a race against time. Up until this point there was tenacious play on both sides, littered with big hucks and huge bids. Risky last minute gambles to catch up by Fs led to late Philippine goal and a 10-7 result against the green.

to survive pool play and get a good cross-over matchup, Fs had to win against the young but much improved Chinese-Taipei team. recall that these guys won their own tourney this year and were hungry for more victory. Stacked with ex-army and phys-ed 21 year olds, the efforts of their (full time) coaches and gov't sponsorship has resulted in a tight, fast, and disciplined team that plays with hard-edged, if not abrasive, intensity.

But they did not know that Fs was packing Dawny "Weapons of mass Dawnstruction" Yeo; and her majestic fury led the green to a glorious one point victory.

Fs's final game Saturday was vs the feared and stacked ringer team (#1 seed), Black Flag (see the Mythical 7 list). As far as i could tell 90% their men and women were elite UPA players, and a couple of very talented Phillipine women. Carried by the extreme intensity of the last two games, it was Fs that stormed ahead. Starting the game on D, Fs had earned two valuable break points and led 2-0, temporarily putting Black Flag at half-mast.

then Black Flag's experience started to take hold, and they methodically clamped down on the green, forcing a series of turnovers with hard marks and smart poaching play. Black Flag took the game by two (?); but what was more important to Fs was that we met the best teams, and we were absolutely, positively able to beat them. We faltered mentally in this game but still it was a decent show. Fs closed Saturday improving to #4 seed.

*In other saturday news among the top seeds, Boracay A scored a huge upset beating Black Flag by a small margin. Black Flag went on to beat the Phillipines in a close match (i think). BeijingShoik stumbled a bit and lost 3/4 of their games mostly due to a small roster. everybody was beating each other up.

Sunday is where everything matters. some say Sunday is "fun"day? ... well a heck of a lot more fun if you play your best. Fs game 1 saw a matchup with a talented Phillipine Weekend Karma, whom despite their great heart and athleticism, succumbed by a large margin (13-2) to the green. yeah we won, but it wasnt fun due to our own (and only) sub-par play of the weekend.

Regardless, his meant a semi-final (re)match with Taiwan. One could say it was quickly established that there was no love lost between these two teams.

Perhaps being from North Jersey, i can surely fault myself in this game for my colorful language in certain moments. mix that with a language/cultural barrier, a couple of really poor calls, and well, this was a grudge match. Again, our pocket-sized WMD Yeo led the 'show with a mushroom cloud of intensity. Points were long and grueling and as time ticked down, we were tied 6-6. Fs scored the next point to take the half 7-6, and we immediately got ready to pull and play D. (there is no break for half, its just an immediate "mirror" with no stoppage).

Fatigue and heat were a huge factor by now and it was only for the alertness of Mark Newton that he realized that we were at the half and should have instead been receiving (we started the game on D). now there was about 4 minutes left. It should have been in the bag.... but...

Taiwan was out for survival, and they took quick advantage of a Fs turnover to score: 7-7. we were in the hard cap. Universe point. Fs' "A" line took the field and as i watched from the sideline, i felt nervous. fortunately, our play did not reflect that: a deep Derek Wong pull, followed up 5-6 sharp cuts. handler, to handler, to Sam Pan mid, to a deep cutting in, to a handler, to a dawny WMD mid, to a handler, to a ..... Cong Pei (MVP) score! Girl power! game over. Fs triumphs but be sure that there is soon to be a new contender in asia: Chinese Taipei.

it was a arduous road, but we made it to the Semi-Finals!

**meanwhile in the other quarters, Black Flag had no problem this time with Boracay and won by 3 or 4 points. But on the other field, Phillipinas A was matched against PULA (i.e. Phillipinas ; PULA proved themselves no secondary fiddle though. they fought hard and lost their Quarter finals only by 2 pts.... 6-8.

and so it was... another Fs v Phillipinas showdown this time in the Semi's

I'd have to emphasize that on almost every metric, Fs was the underdog: height, youth, depth of line, etc..... But any veteran will tell you that winning is as much about heart as it is about ability. Led by ex-Fs player Erik Waldie, Phillipinas was in no mood for settling... but neither was Fs and again it was a tit-for-tat battle.

a crucial turning point was a deep huck to Camillo Pelaez who, despite a hamstring injury was two paces ahead of his blue defender. But the throw carried downwind a step too far, and despite a massive lunge from Camillo, the disc hit the ground. Camillo's weakened hamstring tore and he was out of the tourney. Fs fought to the end, but again was short, this time by two points (11-9?).

Bitter? for some. but for certain we did our best. At this level of play, its NOT about any single episode of great play- great play is standard. Winning here is about consistency over the whole of the team. its about errors in that fabric of the team. when teams have 85-90% conversion rates (i.e. you hold the disc, and you score 85% of the time) errors are huge inflection points. We just had a couple of errors more than they did.

yeah we lost.....but as mentioned time and time again in the huddle, we came to play and to win, and we had one last game to play for 3rd place.

ask anyone in Asia about the Boracay Dragons and you will hear yarns about their ridiculous speed and precision. Honed by the white sand beaches and lashing winds of Boracay these guys are no joke. they were 2nd in the World beach Ulty Championships (and they did that playing savage!). Fit, fast, and fearless (i.e. shoulder high layouts) their mellow island vibe belies a fierce desire to kick your ass.

Fs jumped to the lead on a break service (we pulled on D, and got the disc back and scored), but Boracay stormed back to lead 7-3. One could forgive for giving up. Our sidelines were silent; and it seemed like the threshold of a bad dream. afterall what is the difference between 3rd place and 4th? those four points we were down seemed insurmountable. what did it matter?

It DID matter. a championship team plays every point like the score is 0-0; and after this Boracay run, we got our heads back on. A block here, a grab there, ... if we turned it over... play D and get it back! ....

....and suddenly it was 10-10 with no time left. it was universe point- yet again.

i was asked no less than four times this weekend "who are the people on the Fs roster?.... (i) dont recognize anyone." by various Asian Ulty vets and they implied that it was a 'new' Fs team. But it wasnt. We were down by 4 points in the last game vs Boracay in a most grueling weekend.... and we stormed back to tie them at Universe! we took that game beating Boracay 11-10.

seems like the same ol' Fs to me. i was very pleased to have been part of this team.


Well the finals was no less exciting... i think the crowd, fueled by gin and Colt 45's was alternatively massively entertained either by the game or by their own antics.

The finals was, like the rest of the weekend, a slug fest of bids, huge grabs, and amazing play. At least one blown out knee and a near dislocated shoulder might give you an indication of what was at stake and the effort being shown.

late in the finals, Phillipines led, by one, 14-13, with Black Flag pulling the disc in dim light. a Blue handler bobbled the deep pull and dropped the disc. Black Flag scores.

with the sun down, it stands 14-14, Universe Point.

on the next pull, a huge Phillipinas pass was thrown in the dim light and Peng of the Phillipines came down with the disc in the endzone with a Black Flag defender draped on his shoulder. massive eruption of celebration as the crowd celebrated their home victory but, 5 minutes later, it became clear that there was a travel call on the throw. the field had to clear, and the point replayed. Holy S^%$.

If i am not wrong, in this final point there was at least two more turns on before Phillipines finally scored on a cross field throw, winning the Manila Spirits 08 in the dark side of twilight. Incredible.
*****

I MISS PLAYING ULTIMATE.
SERIOUSLY.
I'M SO PROUD OF THOSE WHO PLAYED AND SO ENVIOUS OF THOSE WHO WATCHED.
(I couldn't even go because I was on duty that weekend)

I'm ok here in the hospital. I'm lucky to be in this training program.
But when I read things like this, I miss the life I had a few months ago.

*sigh*

Another duty, another night of late-night musings.

I first came across this during clerkship in med school, and some of the lessons hit just as hard as it did then.
*****

THE AWAKENING

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). And that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with YOU, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and it's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are, and to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love, Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly O.K. … that it is your right to want things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things you take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: A full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin, as best as you can, to design the life you want to live.

It's 12:15 AM, and while I'm on duty, I'm working on 3 articles that were due two weeks ago. I never got to finish them because I was already training in the Patho department of St. Luke's at that time.

My boss has already called and texted numerous times this past week, asking me to submit the 3 articles by tomorrow afternoon.
Right now, while on 24 hour duty, I'm only just starting on the first one.

So, with two months more of training without pay left, which do I need more?

My job which pays my bills, or my sanity?
***
To Love Life
- Ellen Bass

The thing is
to love life
to love it even when you have no
stomach for it, when everything you've held
dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands
and your throat is filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you so heavily
it's like heat, tropical, moist
thickening the air so it's heavy like water
more fit for gills than lungs.
When grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief.
How long can a body withstand this? you think,
and yet you hold life like a face between your palms,
a plain face, with no charming smile
or twinkle in her eye,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you again.