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Oct. 5th, 2008

followyourheart

I dare you to move.

Sometimes, there are things or events that jolt you out of your comfort zone. They make you remember that there are things bigger than us and our petty problems. They make you want to take a stand and make things a little better for other people.

This is what moved me to tears yesterday:



http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/james_nachtwey_s_searing_pictures_of_war.html


And this is is what he did with his wish:



XDRTB.ORG (http://www.xdrtb.org/)


Everyday, someone in our country is diagnosed with tuberculosis (TB). Multi- drug resistant TB (MDRTB) is something we deal with everyday here in the Philippines.

People are misinformed, or are totally ignorant about the disease and its spread.
...They pop anti-TB drugs because they think it acts as vitamins to protect them from TB, increasing the drug resistance of the TB bacteria.
...People spit and cough everywhere, not knowing that fomites from coughing and spitting spread the  disease.
...I once had a patient scream at me because he wouldn't believe that he has what is called extrapulmonary TB that manifests itself not in the lungs, but elsewhere in the body.

How do you educate  people when they do not understand what TB or drug resistance is? How do you do something in a country where something so preventable is not given enough importance? How do you help people who are the most susceptible, but cannot afford to buy medicine they have to take for 6 months or more?

So far, we are not in the WHO list of countries with XDRTB (http://www.doh.gov.za/docs/presentation/xdr/part2.pdf). Keep in mind however, that we have many undocumented cases of TB, MDRTB, and HIV (one of the risk factors for XDRTB). I wouldn't be surprised if what they tout as the "next epidemic" reaches our shores.

You've seen what TB can do. Knowing about is good. Talking about it is even better.

Now, I dare you to do move.

Aug. 31st, 2008

ether2

Poetry and Music

I got a poetry book for my birthday. I haven't read everything yet, but these are the ones that stand out for me:
 

La Vita Nuova
-Dante Alighieri

In that book which is
My memory . . .
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words . . .
Here begins a new life
*****
Love, 20 cents the First Quarter Mile
- Kenneth Fearing


All right. I may have lied to you and about you, and made a
                          few pronouncements a bit too
sweeping,
perhaps, and possibly forgotten to tag the bases here or there,
   And damned your extravagance, and maligned your tastes,
and libeled your relatives,
and slandered a few of your friends,
     O.K.,
          Nevertheless, come back.
 
Come home. I will agree to forget the statements that you
issued so copiously to the neighbors and the press,
And you will forget that figment of your imagination, the
blonde from Detroit;
I will agree that your lady friend who lives above us is not
crazy, bats, nutty as they
come,
                     but on the contrary rather bright,
And you will concede that poor old Steinberg is neither a drunk,
nor a swindler, but
            simply a guy, on the
eccentric side, trying to get along.
(Are you listening, you bitch, and have you got this straight?)

Because I forgive you, yes, for everything.
I forgive you for being beautiful and generous and wise,
I forgive you, to put it simply, for being alive, and pardon
you, in short, for being you.
 
Because tonight you are in my hair and eyes,
     And every street light that our taxi passes shows me you
again, still you,
     And because tonight all other nights are black, all other
   hours are cold and far away,
     and now,
this minute, the stars are very near and bright.
 
Come back. We will have a celebration to end all celebrations.
    We will invite the undertaker who lives beneath us, and a
       couple of boys from the office, and some other friends.
And Steinberg, who is off the wagon, and that insane woman
     who lives upstairs, and a
few reporters,
     if anything should break.
*****
True Love
- Judith Viorst


It is true love because
I put on eyeliner and a concerto and make pungent
observations about the great issues of the day
Even when there's no one here but him,
And because
I do not resent watching the Green Bay Packers
Even though I am philosophically opposed to
football,
And because
When he is late for dinner and I know he must be
either having an affair or lying dead in the
middle of the street,
I always hope he's dead.
It's true love because
If he said quit drinking martinis but I kept drinking
them and the next morning I couldn't get out of
bed,
He wouldn't tell me he told me,
And because
He is willing to wear unironed undershorts
Out of respect for the fact that I am philosophically
opposed to ironing,
And because
If his mother was drowning and I was drowning and
he had to choose one of us to save,
He says he'd save me.
It's true love because
When he went to San Francisco on business while I
had to stay home with the painters and the
exterminator and the baby who was getting the
chicken pox,
He understood why I hated him,
And because
When I said that playing the stock market was
juvenile and irresponsible and then the stock I
wouldn't let him buy went up twenty-six points,
I understood why he hated me,
And because
Despite cigarette cough, tooth decay, acid
indigestion, dandruff, and other features of
married life that tend to dampen the fires of
passion,
We still feel something
We can call
True love.

*****
Yes, i know this was written by Gertrude to Alice. Does anyone have a problem with that? No one? Ok, I didn't think so.

To Alice B. Toklas


--Gertrude Stein

Do you really think I would yes I would and
I do love all you with all me.
Do you really think I could, yes I could
yes I would love all you with all me.
Do you really think I should yes I should
love all you with all me yes I should
yes I could yes I would.
Do you really think I do love all you
with all me yes I do love all you with all
me And bless my baby.
*****
And yes, I do believe in Carpe Diem.
Nothing Twice  
by Wislawa Szymborska
Translated by Clare Cavanagh and Stanislaw Baranczak
 

Nothing can ever happen twice.
In consequence, the sorry fact is
that we arrive here improvised
and leave without the chance to practice. 

Even if there is no one dumber,
if you're the planet's biggest dunce,
you can't repeat the class in summer:
this course is only offered once. 

No day copies yesterday,
no two nights will teach what bliss is
in precisely the same way,
with precisely the same kisses. 

One day, perhaps some idle tongue
mentions your name by accident:
I feel as if a rose were flung
into the room, all hue and scent. 

The next day, though you're here with me,
I can't help looking at the clock:
A rose? A rose? What could that be?
Is it a flower or a rock? 

Why do we treat the fleeting day
with so much needless fear and sorrow?
It's in its nature not to say
Today is always gone tomorrow 

With smiles and kisses, we prefer
to seek accord beneath our star,
although we're different (we concur)
just as two drops of water are. 

*****
I heard this song today in yahoo radio and couldn't help but smile :D

Naive Orleans -Anberlin


Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To those songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
Is this the way you want it? Is this the way it has to be? Sitting here beside you When my heart's lost in New Orleans Dreams come clever Hearts now severed Difference of forever And I am lost there And I finally found that life goes on without you And my world still turns when you're not around And I finally found that life goes on without you And my world still turns when you're not around And I finally found that all Your actions write the melodies To the songs that we sing Your actions write the melodies To the songs that we sing And you just sing along out loud, yea


 

Aug. 10th, 2008

holga

SIT. FEAST.

What a difference a year makes!

I don't know what else to say.
I'm ok, I'm good, I'm great.
Occasional money matters and concrete future plans aside, I have no big problems.

I am happy and I mean it.
I am fine and I believe it.

Now there's nothing else left to do but soundtrack it :P
*****
30 years on this earth and I'm still straining against the expectations other people attach to the labels they give me.

Good.
Girl.
Decent.
Doctor.

The struggle isn't over for me, but I'm doing the best I can to play by my rules and no one else's.
It's not that I don't care, but often I find that there's a difference between what I want and what other people want for me.
I'm tired of compromising. (I can feel the people who've known me long enough rolling their eyes. They know me well enough to know that I'm a stubborn, demanding witch when I want to be :P)

And speaking of witches, who better to sing about it than Elphaba? ;)
Now there's a witch after my own heart.



"ELPHABA:
No,
I can't want it anymore.
Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by
the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second-guessing.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts.
Close my eyes, and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity,
and you can't pull me down!

...I'm through with accepting limits,
'Cuz someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change,
but 'till I try, I'll never know.

Too long I've been afraid of
losing love. I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love,
it comes at much to high a cost!
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity,
and you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo,
At least I'm flying free.
To those who'd ground me,
Take a message back from me.
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity

And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

(Look at her; she's wicked!)"
*****
The truth always comes to me in little moments of clarity. There's no big reveal or deus ex machina. I often have the best realizations while walking or sitting alone.

The moment I realized I was over my first love, I was on the bridgeway connecting the STUH Charity hospital and the med building.
I was walking to TODA training in SanLo park when it suddenly hit me that the most recent betrayal of friends and lovers no longer had a hold over me.

My life is good the way it is.
The things and people I don't need or are not worthy have fallen by the wayside.
Fate finds a way.
God has a reason.

There is no need to turn back time.
I have no regrets.
I am proud of my battle scars.
The fact that I'm still standing is reason enough to celebrate.



LITTLE WONDERS
-Rob Thomas

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

*****

And finally, FINALLY, I am here:

Love After Love
- Derek Walcott


The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Tags:

Jul. 8th, 2008

followyourheart

MODERN DAY FABLES.

It's been too long, I know, but real life trumps my internet life any day of the week. Even if it is just the normal day to day.
*****
I talked to one of my favorite cousins over the weekend. We're really close, and lately, she's been keeping her distance because I've been giving her tough love. I'm not sure if that's the best way to go about it, considering she's been on an emotional roller-coaster for the past few months. It's just getting really hard to be supportive when she calls me for advice, says she understands my point,  and then does what she wants anyway.

Case in point: She started a relationship with a college basketball player younger than her, knowing he was in a relationship with someone else anyway. The guy said the previous relationship was over, but soon, there was this whole soap opera-esque scene with my cousin trapped in the apartment with the guy and the supposed former girlfriend shouting invectives from the other side of the door. I thought that would shake her awake, but she continued seeing the guy. She says it's love, so who am I to naysay it?

But then, she's now seeing this other guy, an ex of an acquaintance. He's told her point-blank that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he's not ready for a relationship. I've already told her that when guys say this, there's really no quibbling about it; they really don't want a relationship. But they go out, and date, and act like they're together. So the guy gets the benefit of a relationship without the commitment, and she admits to me that she wants something more. All this is happening while she's still seeing the younger guy, who's now undergoing PT for a recent ACL tear, out of a screwed combination of obligation and guilt.

I'm giving her leeway to make her own mistakes. I try to back off and not be so involved, even if I'm itching to talk some sense into her or punch both guys' lights out. I'm glad to be where I am, a little older, a little wiser, and a bit over that reckless fuck-it phase of my life. The former drama queen ready to rest her laurels? Hmmm....

Moral of the story # 1: If you're determined to make a mistake, you will make it. No amount of logic or reasoning will stop you.
Moral of the story # 2: I was stupid once, and once was more than enough.
*****

Another cousin was telling me her marital problems while she was drilling my tooth. (One could argue that it's not the best time to be emotional and upset, but who am I to argue? My mouth was open, I couldn't talk and the drill was already in my mouth. It's not as if I had a choice.)

She got married more than 10 years ago, and I think I served as a junior bridesmaid or reader during the ceremony. The guy looked good on paper: he was a lawyer, he came from a good family, he was respectable and responsible. It was a whirlwind romance. They married a few months after meeting each other and have been together ever since.

No marriage is without its problems, even I know that. She said she could take the monetary woes and the constant meddling of the in-laws as part and parcel of a marriage. Now, it's not the situations or problems they're fighting about, but the each other's characters. How can you resolve to make a marriage work when it's not the marriage that's the problem, but the people in it?

She was telling me, over the sound of the drill relentlessly going into my tooth, that she's glad I'm quietly happy doing what I want to do, and not what my parents tell me to. She listens to my plan to give residency one more chance in the next few months and shakes her head. Until how long will I give up what I want for what my parents want, she asks. 4 more years of residency is 4 more years wasted, she says. She points to herself with the drill before saying that I shouldn't end up like her: 40-something, stuck being a dentist when her heart sings for her to paint, to draw, to follow her passion, saddled with a husband she doesn't love anymore and confined in the perception of being a "good girl and wife."

I had a feeling the talk was only partly about me. I think she just wanted to let it out to someone who wasn't really impartial, but was less involved in the current situation. I could only wish her the best as I left her clinic. I've already run out of "independent women rule!" cliche's over the course of my procedure.

Moral of the story # 3: Romance is good, but there had better be something more substantial to take it's place when the passion fades.
Moral of the story # 4: So what if it sounds selfish, but once in a while, you have to think of yourself.
Moral of the story # 5: Marriage may signal the end of old problems, but can be the start of new ones.
*****
Meanwhile, I'm out making my own mistakes, living my life the only way I know how.
I'm pretty sure I'm somebody else's cautionary tale.

May. 27th, 2008

followyourheart

IT'S BROKE (sic); FIX IT.

It's been what? More than a month since I wrote here, I think. I'm not sure what kept me away, but I think I've been busy living my real life that I haven't had much time to ponder on things.

What's happened so far? (My month in a nutshell):

1. Played for T2 (Currently going into the final leg of Summer League '08)
Yay:
More playing time = more chances to learn.
I can run a little faster. I can D a little better. But still more things to learn and apply.
Boo: Having to deal with different viewpoints on how to play a game.
When your mindset differs from that of your teammates, dissent among the ranks is to be expected. Chemistry won't ever happen if everyone just thinks for themselves. I can't fix that if nobody else wants it fixed.

2. Went to Singapore (This needs a separate post, I swear)
Yay:
The Food.
Anyone who's known me long enough knows I can go into raptures over food. This trip might have been a bit disappointing in that I didn't get to do all I wanted, but good God, the food more than made up for it. 30 minutes after alighting from the plane, I sat down to this:

A steaming bowl of laksa at 1:30 AM. I'm drooling again at the thought. The next few days were filled with seemingly neverending gustatory discoveries courtesy of overly indulgent Tito Ivan and Tita Amy. They were very willing to show us the place they called home for the past 30 years. I think they fed us every hour just to make sure we enjoyed out short stay.
Boo: Not being able to take pictures.
Since Tito Ivan and his family are pretty well-established in Singapore, they have one of the few luxuries not many people spend for in Singapore: a car. While it made things easy for my mom, it didn't give me enough of an opportunity to shoot. I think I finished just 2 rolls for the 3 days I was there. I didn't want to take pictures of the inside of malls, hence the surprising lack of pictures taken. Once more, with feeling: BOO.

3. Sunk deeper into debt.
Yay:
Is there an upside to this???
Boo:
The fact that I've reached this point is enough for me to deserve boos for the next 6 months.
I am not entirely sure how I sunk into this pile of debt, but here I am. I think it was a case of careless oversight combined with my mind not entirely grasping the fact that I'm on an entry level salary again. It actually sort of rankles that I didn't get to this point because I shopped too much. Too many bills, too many things I should just let slide. I can't take the past month back, but I can think of ways to make sure it never happens again. The get-myself-back-on-track 3 -point plan includes:
  • No more lunch outs. Since I'm trying to lose weight in time for my birthday, this will hit two birds with one stone. I just hope my meds kick in by this time too, just to help along.
  • No more Friday nights. With the end of the Summer League fast approaching, Friday TODA nights will be in full effect after our Subic trip, I think. And while I might miss out on a few things, I think I'd like to preserve my sanity more. I almost tore my hair out when I found out I was in the red.
  • Wear all my clothes and shoes so I don't feel like a pauper. As of my writing this, I have a cabinet and two drawers full of clothes I haven't worn/worn only once. I keep getting stuck wearing the same clothes to work because I don't want to deal with the high maintenance aspect of some of my clothes. But maybe that's it. In my trying to be low-key and drama-free, I've gotten myself stuck in a rut. I thought of dressing up every Friday just in time for impromptu plans. But then, if I don't plan to go to Friday nights out, when the hell will I wear my clothes??
4. Meeting Tonton.
Yay:
Met my new favorite person to watch.
Who knew Dave Acton had it in him? Poker night at my place in Alabang after week 4 of Summer League quickly turned into the Tonton Show. From the moment he stepped foot into my house to the moment he left, it was one laugh trip after another. See you again during the Subic Beach Ultimate event? :)
Boo: There is none.

5. Realized I have a drawers full of clothes I've never worn/worn once.
Yay:
"Drawers full of clothes..."
Boo
: No more shopping for the next 2 months.
(see #3, re 3-point plan)
*****
On the other hand,
I'm ok.
Still wary,
still aware.
But I'm fine,
coasting along.

I know, I know;

I'm working on it.
*****

What We Want

by Linda Pastan

What we want
is never simple.
We move among the things
we thought we wanted:
a face, a room, an open book
and these things bear our names—
now they want us.
But what we want appears
in dreams, wearing disguises.
We fall past,
holding out our arms
and in the morning
our arms ache.
We don't remember the dream,
but the dream remembers us.
It is there all day
as an animal is there
under the table,
as the stars are there.

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